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Ms. Readman (aka Agent Paper)

Twisted thoughts of an anime freak!

8/7/14 03:54 pm - lost

I've been thinking that my marriage is slowly falling apart and I was trying to pin point when exactly that started. You can say it started when he started the new job, well few months after that. I've always been different and awkward at times. After I became a mother that wild side of me was diminished but it showed up when she was away with relatives. A few months after his new job it got smaller and smaller. Now it is non existent. He became meaner, jaded, and distant so naturally i did too. I let my anger get the best of me andandmy anxiety level was always high. I went to the doctor and got something for my anxiety and that helped for a while. It didn't cute the damage already being done. I don't know what to do and I feel lost. I don't have enough friends that could help me or even have the time. I want to run away but have nowhere to go. I want to help but have nothing to offer. I'm strong and weak at the same time, I guess that's what it means to be a woman and a mother.
I want to be saved!

2/11/14 09:56 am - Life as I know it

I never saw my life being the way it is now. If you were to go back to middle school and ask me where I would be in my late 20s she would probably say working at Sea World with the dolphins. That is not the case. The last thing she would say is married with a child and a stay at home mom. It is still a shock to me that my life ended up like this. Even my high school self probably would have laughed if you told her that was her future. I was always to one who never saw herself getting married, let alone have a child. I had many boyfriends but marriage was always one of those things that I thought was a trap. Having a child was something I constantly made sure would never happen. Hence the reason I never had sex until I was about 21. When your mother has you at 18 you are constantly told not to get pregnant and f* up your life.
Unlike my parents, I did get married and then had a child. The pregnancy wasn't planned but since I was married and we had jobs it really wasn't disastrous and I was 24, already better than my mother. I love my daughter and am grateful for her to be in my life. Staying at home and raising her isn't how I thought I was going to raise but I'm glad that I did the first two years. Now the "terrible twos" are hitting and I really wish I was working and doing something I love to do instead of dealing with meltdowns and tantrums.
I was always so sure of what I wanted to do with my life, but now it all is muddled and lost to me. I love music and owe a lot of happiness to it. Without music I wouldn't have meet so many people. Being part of an orchestra always made we nervous, but the good kind. The kind of nervous that made my heart flutter and sent my soul soaring through the music playing. I wish I could feel that again.
I feel older than I am, I guess being married and having a child does that to you. I've never had confidence in myself, to say I had low self esteem would be an understatement. I can say now I have slightly above low self esteem. My daughter helped with that, there's nothing worse that seeing your own mother wallow in her own negative thoughts. My anti-anxiety medicine helps with the frustrated feeling I have. I bought a viola for my birthday in the hopes of gaining some headway in music. I still have uneasiness and because of that I haven't played much yet.
I can't change my past even though there was somethings I wish I could. I can only change what my future will be. The future is a scary thing, but hopefully the more confident I get the less scary it will become.

11/8/12 10:40 am - Why do I keep having dreams about him?

So I've been having dreams about Zach again and really there shouldn't be a reason for it. I haven't seen or talked to him since we broke up. I guess since my memory is slowly disappearing it's getting to the Zach memories and those with soon be gone. Does my subconscious really want to see and talk to him that badly. I guess I just really miss his friendship. I use to be able to talk to him about anything and that was what I really liked about him. That is the one thing that Arthur lacks. I wish I could talk to him about anything but when I try to it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. No one can ever accuse Arthur of not being loving though because I know he loves me but he just doesn't know how to "be there" for someone. He has a very hard time with understanding feelings. He doesn't listen very well.
I wish I still had Zach's friendship, and I wish I still had friends to talk to. I'm getting worse and I really don't know what to do about it. Going to therapy once a month only make things worse. Mentally I'm gone physically I survive. I wish I had someone to save me instead of me always being to one who saves others.
Akachan calls so I must.

10/5/12 07:39 pm - Falling apart

It's rough living your life knowing that both your parents hate you. My father and mother never wanted me, I was an accident that ruined what they had. You think after awhile they would have just excepted it but no, they continue to hate. My father was hardly ever there and when he was it was for selfish reasons. He has proven time and time again that he prefers my half brother and sister over me. Why I don't really understand? He doesn't see them a lot any way but that is more them than him. They cut ties with him not the other way around. Recently, they have started to work on a relationship with him and he is going all out. Me on the other hand has to practically beg to even get an email. He hasn't seen or asked about his grand-daughter. I breaks me heart that even to this day all I have done is try to get a relationship with this man but to no avail. My mother is bitter about my father and about me ruining her life. She has constantly made jabs at me my whole life which resulted in me having terribly low self esteem. I talk to my mother but only about her wonderful life and my daughter. Even now that I'm a mother she has nothing but criticism and empty promises. Truth be told my parents are so much alike it's a wonder why they didn't stay together. Well I guess my father being a man-whore was the reason.
Typically I have been able to somewhat handle all my emotions with this but since things with me and Arthur are low it just made it harder. Too many things to deal with, Arthur, my parents, worrying about my daughter and taking care of her, I'm only human. I can't even talk to Arthur because he just seems to not care. He always changes to subject, he hates to see me cry and then just runs away. I'm always the one that is there to listen but no one is ever there to listen to me. So I just sit here, cry, and type by myself hoping that maybe someone out there is a friend that cares. I know that no one really cares though, and I deserve what ever unhappiness I get. Everything is always my fault anyway. I ruined my parents life, I inconvenience Arthur with nonsense, and I'm good for nothing. I hope my daughter thinks I'm doing a good job otherwise there really is no reason to be on this Earth.

9/19/12 08:29 am - Get out of my head

Sometimes I hate my mind and sometimes I think it's brilliant. I've noticed that a couple times a year I start having dreams about Zach and then I want to talk to him. Now this never ends up with me talking to him mostly because he doesn't respond. Is there anything I really want to talk to him about other than the usual (how are you, how's life, what have you been doing), I don't know. Somewhere deep inside is telling me it's about our relationship and that maybe I feel something for him, but I know that's just the part of my mind I hate that has to bring up stupid things that don't apply. My feelings toward Zach are that of friendship. I need more friends in my life and I lost a lot moving away and fighting. I love Arthur and would never leave him (unless he cheated on me, did something bad to our daughter, neglected our daughter that put her in harm). I just miss Zach's friendship and the friendship of others. I'm terrible at meeting new people and making friends.

Having a child changed a lot in my life. I've always been responsible but now I have to be responsible for my own little family. It's rough with no help. I don't expect much from Arthur because he works, but I do at least expect him to spend time with his daughter. The one thing that has always pissed me off about him is that he will choose his damn electronics over people, including his family. My patience with it is reaching it's peak and I'm afraid I will break his stuff. So I decided to leave for a week and visit my sister with my daughter. I need to see her and my new nephew. I'm hope that he misses us so much that he will stop using his iPad when he's suppose to be spending time with his daughter. I'm hoping that happens, of course, the opposite can happen and he could enjoy not having a family so much he wants to keep it that way. Just have to wait and see.
Here's hoping.

9/14/12 09:20 am - I have that feeling again

You ever spend so much time in your head that sometimes you forget what's real and what's evil thoughts? That happens to me a lot. I spend so much time in my head I begin to meld my thoughts with reality. I've been wondering about Arthur. Comments he makes made me start thinking about his life. I started wondering why he married me and decided he wanted a kid. Though she wasn't planned it was his decision in the end. He's never really been a romantic, emotional boyfriend/husband, but I came to expect that from guys. Our relationship has been a long, bumpy, and confusing one. Arthur is a guy that like to be alone, doesn't like people and would rather look at a computer screen the look at a person. He's always been like that, but for some reason he wanted a girlfriend (well I can guess the reason, what guy doesn't want a girlfriend if it means something sexual), then we wanted a wife (maybe so he wouldn't lose that sexual aspect), and a child. You would think after all this change that we would have realized somewhere along the line that we would never be alone again and hardly ever have free time to himself. That should have been made clear to him where our child was born. In no way am I saying he's a bad father, because I know bad fathers and he's not even close. Though, I know he would much rather look at a computer screen then watch his daughter and does sometimes.
Le sigh, I can harp about all this but the problem I have is more one that was in my head. He may one day to decide to leave me. I didn't say us because I don't think he will really leave our daughter (ever other weekend thing). Divorce isn't as taboo, or hard as it use to be. People get them so often it's like breaking up with a boyfriend. Some divorces are ugly, but I wouldn't be that way. Every boyfriend I had I still wanted to be friends with them after, even if they did cheat on me. I value friendship very much and I saw most of my exes as friends. Why did I get with them then? Well that's a whole another can of worms that I don't intend on opening at the moment.
I will just wait and see. There really isn't anything I can do when it happens except maybe beg, but I don't really see myself doing that. When you love someone so much, you just want to see them happy and if you're not the one or thing that makes them happy then you have to let them find that happiness. Even if it will kill you inside to do so.
What a martyr I am...sigh

8/24/12 12:44 pm - Holy shit I forgot about this

I can't believe my computer remembered this password, ah the greatest that is technology. I feel like just writing and I have the time because my daughter is taking her nap. Being a mother is basically what I thought it would be. Having to care for and watch over a little piece of you is a wonderful feeling. There are time were I feel completely overwhelmed and need to step away and take a deep breath, but I never blame her.
My own personal little family is great, me, Arthur, and our daughter are happy in our own world. It's not really far enough from L.A. though. I use to think L.A. was a place I wanted to stay and live, but when I realized that the city/county is just on huge pile of shit that brings drama, I wanted to be far away from it. North County is hardly far but we didn't want to isolate Luna from her family. I still maintain the importance of family even though there are very few in mine I actually want to see. My mother being one of them. I finally "talk" to her about her negativity toward me and of course she said I was crazy. I'm always the crazy one and trust me I have tried very had to not be crazy. Talking to yourself is not a good start but sometimes you need to tell yourself off or to simply shut up. My relationship with my mother will never be the Gilmore Girls, but I learned to except that just like I learn to except that my father is a jerk that wants nothing to do with is children or grandchildren. The only I can do is make damn sure I don't do anything like that to my daughter, and make sure she knows that not matter what she can always come and talk to me. Even is it's to tell me off. The one thing I've always been good at is listening.
I've been wondering if I should try and get into contact with friends from the past, like Peter, Zachary, Emily, Hazel, but the scaredy cat I am can't stand the thought of them just ignoring me, which I'm sure Zachary might, or not remembering who I am. I wasn't really memorable. The only one that I have a shot at getting an answer from is Peter and that only because it's only been 2 years since I last talked to him. It's always been hard for me to make friends and keep friends. I'm it's because of my riveting personality. To be honest, my longest friend just so happens to be my loving husband. It sounds weak to say that my best friend is my husband but Arthur has always been my best friend even when we weren't together. He was and is always someone I could talk to. I do most of the listening mostly because I enjoy hearing him talk.
I wonder how Zachary, Peter, and Emily are doing? Maybe I might ask them and see what happens. To being brave and sucking it up!

5/14/09 06:03 pm - Legacy Project

HSU Economics Wiki

3/2/09 11:52 am - It's back

I don't think I really know anyone that visits this but on the chance that someone does, my website is up and running again. Fixed some tech issues, nothing really changed.


Yea, I know that name is stupid but you work with what you got.

10/7/08 10:52 am - Website

I updated my website check it out:

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